How I fake my Fibromyalgia symptoms (or not)

This is how I fake my fibromyalgia symptoms.

Exhaustion and fatigue

When I’m faking my favorite thing to do is to pretend that I’m exhausted. It can be somewhat taxing to always look like I’ve got an endless version of the flu, but if I apply myself I can really pull it off. When I can’t get up off the couch because of my “exhaustion” I’m really laughing inside about what a good actor I am. I lay back on the pillows and gloat at the mere mortals that think my exhaustion is real. I find I can add the extra touch by encouraging my body to get all shaky so my fatigue really looks legitimate. It’s harder to do than you think, and sometimes I get tired of it, but I press on for the good of ME. When I really want to go the extra mile I make sure they cancel events that I really want to go to, because that’s what sick people have to do. It’s a sacrifice, but I’m no hero.

Faking lack of sleep and energy

I also like to pretend that I need a lot of sleep when I really don’t. I really don’t experience painsomnia every night. I’m actually full of energy after six hours of sleep. I like to jump on the bed for hours to release some of my energy because I feel like I get more attention if I pretend like I need at least ten hours of sleep. I do this because I really don’t want to leave the house since real life is hard and boring. I have no wish to do normal things like have a career, a hobby, or spend time with friends. Friends are for chumps. I’d really rather sleep away my life because it’s just easier if I never have to do anything. I really enjoy having to depend on the generosity of other people, which is why I try to get their sympathies. Sometimes my performance isn’t good enough though, because people don’t seem to be all that sympathetic. I haven’t figured out why yet. It seems like people should care that I’m suffering, but most people don’t seem bothered. Maybe it’s because my performance isn’t up to snuff yet, I’ll have to work on looking needier.

Faking torturous chronic pain

I also pretend to be in pain. Some days I pretend to be worse than others, it just depends on the mood I’m in. I make sure to wince every time someone touches me so it looks like my skin is sensitive. I pretend to be in agony after completing the slightest task because I just want to be lazy. I like lying in bed all day and eating snacks and pretending to hurt is the easiest way to do that. My favorite snack of choice is ice cream, but I have to be careful so look sad while I’m eating it, even though I’m giggling inside.

I also regularly use a heating pad to convince people in pain even though it makes me hot and sweaty. It’s not really comfortable, but if I’m going to pretend to be in pain I need to be willing to go the distance. I even buy pain-relieving devices so that I look desperate. I’m really just trying to further fake my pain levels by pretending to be desperate for the pain to end.

There's nothing like doing to the doctor in desperation and being told that you're just depressed or hysterical. Click To Tweet

Going to the doctor

I also go to the doctor often, I mean, who doesn’t? I really enjoy being dismissed and belittled. It really helps to maintain my fiction when the doctor tells me that I’m crazy, because every person with a chronic illness has been told they’re crazy at one point or another. I also enjoy spending the whole day in the doctor’s waiting room. There’s something special about being in a freezing cold room with a bunch of sick people all desperate for some relief. It warms my cold little heart.

Thank goodness for my fake Fibromyalgia symptoms, I don’t know what I’d do without them.

 

 

Yes, this is satire.