Are you afraid of complaining about your chronic illness? Are there times you hold back because you are worried about what the other person will think?
I don’t talk about my health problems very often, not even to my spouse. In fact he complains about his health more than I do and he’s perfectly healthy. When he was complaining the other day about how much he hurt after playing basketball I realized how ridiculous it was that he feels he can complain about pain and I who feel horrible pain at all times say nothing. The fact that I don’t feel I can complain is my fault though, not his. I am afraid of complaining. I’ve let all the messages of “positive thinking” and “don’t focus on your pain” go to my head. I’ve been taught to use the “everything is awesome” and “fake it till you make it” strategy, and clearly, it isn’t working for me.
Complaining about chronic illness
One reason is that when you have chronic health problems you get used to not being taken seriously. Our doctors tell us we need to get over our pain, our family wonders why we can’t just try harder, and we start to doubt our own feelings. When you’ve been informed by everyone around you that your illness can’t really be that bad, you start to internalize it. Even when things do get really difficult and your health takes a turn for the worse, you feel like you won’t be taken seriously no matter what you say, and therefore you minimize how unmanageable things are.
Another reason is that if we didn’t downplay our illnesses and how they affect our lives, we’d never talk about anything else. Chronic illness affects every single facet of our lives, and there is no escaping. It’s not socially acceptable to acknowledge that people with chronic pain live in constant misery. We’re supposed to be happy and positive, and we’re not supposed to acknowledge how hard things are. People don’t like to see the ugly parts of life, and that includes the ugly parts of living with a never-ending illness. No one wants to be around that person, the person who is always complaining about how hard their life is.
Finding a balance between sharing too much and sharing too little
I often joke about how I’ll never be one of those ideal, saintly sick people. You know, the Beth from “Little Woman” types, saintly thinking of others while stuck in bed and never complaining about their lot in life. In reality, people like that rarely exist because we’re real people, not ideal fictional characters.
I’ve never been great at finding a balance between sharing too much and not sharing anything. I’m aware that no one wants to be around a negative person, and so I try not to bring people down with the realities of my life. I don’t like to burden other people with my problems. Still, that stops me from sharing things that I probably should share and from making deeper meaningful relationships. Finding the balance between sharing too much and sharing too little is something I’m constantly working on. Too often I hold back because I don’t want to burden the other person.
You have a right to complain about your illness
One thing I’ve realized is while no one wants to hear the nitty-gritty details of my suffering, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I am not doing very well. I am hurting and I am exhausted.” Healthy people say this all the time when they get sick, and just because that is true more often than it is in a healthy person doesn’t invalidate the complaint. Don’t let anyone accuse you of being negative just because you’re sharing what your life is really like. Everyone had the right to vent about their difficulties occasionally.
I grew up with parents and others stating no one likes a complainer. Then when I developed fibromyalgia I just continued not complaining. When it really is bothersome (which has been often of late) I have complained and others say that I never say anything. It is never good enough.
I was taught something similar, so I know what you mean.
I have lived with CFS for a majority of my life, plus now I have Fibro & RA, a trifecta of “chronic pain” illnesses. For my whole young & young adult life it was “everybody has pain, push through it”, so I did! Raised two sons, ran a house, a budget & worked a job until one day I woke up & could not get out of bed. No going to work, let alone taking care of Family needs, doctors had no answers & people around basically told me to suck it up & get out of bed! That was when my doctor discovered I had EBV, it was bad, it lead to CFS. A dear friend did research & helped me get on a regimen of natural medicines that had me out of bed & back on my feet in just under 3 months. I was a happy camper, everyone rejoiced that I got over my little tired, pain problem. Now at 64 I have the trifecta of chronic pain illnesses & I don’t push through anymore, I can’t. I explain as simply as possible to anyone who asks what ails me & I don’t make excuses anymore, I own my situation, have faith that I will endure & try to surround myself w/ those that understand, or at least accept, that my life will never be the same & while I miss my life as it once was, I am still alive, still have things to offer & still find joy in life, just in a different & less energetic way.
It is absolutely ok to speak up when we are in pain, we hurt badly, most could not handle what we do on a daily basis. Don’t let others make you suffer in silence. That is so wrong in so many ways. None of us with these illnesses asked for them, nor would we wish them on anyone.
I’m even afraid to tell my doctor what’s going on because if it’s not one thing it’s 5 things! Sometimes I will postpone my appointments several times??
I’ve been there.
Ever feel like the “Boy Who Cried Wolf Too Often?” If you complain too much no one will believe you or they won’t care anymore because that’s all you do. After suffering with RA for over 45 years and being told I never complain, I rarely receive a phone call or help from anyone but my husband after going through numerous operations involving my hands, feet and wrists. My own sisters have never ever offered aid. I am fortunate to have a few close friends who will cook or pick me up to go out. But it seems like I am no longer important to many people because I am unable to do so many things. It becomes rather depressing trying to keep functioning without complaining. Sorry, had to vent.
I know exactly what you mean. I don’t want people to know how often I’m sick because then when I’m really really sick they might not take me seriously.
No worries about venting, we all need a place to do it. I know what you mean about being less important because you can’t do things.