The most prolonged, stressful experience I’ve ever had in my life was living through Hurricane Harvey. Because the waters kept rising at night, I didn’t sleep for 5 days straight. I’d be up all night watching to torrential rain come down, and watching the water line come up. I put up everything of value on a high shelf so it could hopefully be recovered. I wondered how we’d ever be able to afford to fix the damage if we flooded. I wondered how we’d find a place to live that we could afford, while paying our mortgage on our broken house. I wrenched my kids out of bed at 1:00 am and I hid in the bathtub while tornadoes devastated neighborhoods. I watched our friends’ situations get worse and worse on social media. By 2:00 AM the first night everyone was sharing pictures of how high the water lines were, inevitably sharing when the water reached the house, and then the desperate escapes through floodwater.
We did not end up flooding during Harvey, but the weeks afterword were some of the most stressful of my life. My husband was in charge of helping a large amount of people who flooded so our whole life was taken up by helping others whose lives had been destroyed. We were dealing with a lot of high emotions and trauma by helping people throw out everything they owned. So many a times I hugged someone who was overwhelmed with loss while I threw away their priceless memories. I felt guilty about being stressed. I knew that things could be a lot worse for us, we could be the ones needing help instead of offering it. I felt that I was drowning in the guilt because I could not find a way to feel better.
Life in a world with Covid 19
During Harvey I didn’t have the opportunity to go on walks and calm myself down, or to listen to inspiring podcasts. Now I’m in what could possibly the second most stressful experience of my life up to this point, Covid-19. When I find myself feeling so stressed that I’m about to lose it, I go on a long walk and listen to my favorite person, Brene Brown. For some reason her words calm my soul. They remind me that my feelings are not only okay, they are expected. Yes, other people may have it worse than me, but that doesn’t invalidate my experience. I’m allowed to be stressed and worried about my health and the health of my family. We’re all allowed to feel that way. We’re all allowed to wake up in the morning and wonder:
- How will I handle the burden and the stress?
- How do I keep it together and stop myself from breaking in front of my family?
- How do I take care of my mental health?
- How will I get through this day?
- How will I get my medication?
- How will I manage my illness with limited access to medical care?
- How do I deal with people who think that people like me should be sacrificed for the economy?
This morning I find myself wondering what I should do during this pandemic. When it’s all over, what will I want to look back and see? It would be great if I got some amazing things done, or changed the world somehow, but that’s unlikely. Then I found myself singing while I was separating laundry, and for some reason I was singing “The next right thing”(Frozen II). It was a perfect reminder for me of how to get through tough times. It’s just how I deal with living with chronic illness, I put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing.
Oh my goodness, I can only imagine your worry and stress levels during that time, watching the flood waters. Now it’s like invisible flood waters, seeing the possible risks, the damage, that’s happening but can’t be seen. I love that you mentioned how you’re ‘allowed’ to worry and ask those questions and feel the way you do. Absolutely. We start to feel like we ‘should’ be handling things super well and marching on and all that, but it’s nonsense. We deal with things the way we deal with them, and it’s an undeniably worrying, stressful time. Sending lots of love your way. You and your family stay safe ?
Caz xx
As usual, you can express what I’m feeling when I can’t. Thank you for sharing your/our perspective and bringing up things healthy individuals don’t have to consider. Thank you!!
That must have been such a stressful experience. Living now with chronic illness is incredibly stressful too. I’ve plunged myself into various projects which I find helpful for keeping busy at home and my mind off the news.