How to recognize the strength and bravery in your suffering

I used to hate being alone. I was always busy, every minute of every day. I didn’t have the time or the desire to be by myself. Being alone only gave me time to think, and I didn’t want that. Then one day chronic illness hit me like a mack truck, and I was forced into complete aloneness. Not only did my busyness disappear, but so did my support group. Chronic illness was just too much for them to handle, and so I was left stranded alone in the wilderness wondering if every part of me was permanently broken and destroyed.

The wilderness that is chronic illness is vast

I hated being stranded in the wilderness of chronic illness. I wanted to do the easy thing and join the crowd.  I hated being left alone with my thoughts and feelings, and so I fought and fought to escape. I tried pretending that nothing had changed and that I wasn’t in the wilderness alone, but that only backfired when the mirage I had created eventually melted away. I tried to find a reliable path out of the wilderness, but the wilderness that is chronic illness is vast and no one has ever been able to construct a reliable path that works for everyone. I see that some paths exist and have signs, but often they turn out to be misleading and take me in the wrong direction.

Sometimes I run into another person that I think can guide me out, but it turns out that their way is not for me. And so I’m left standing alone in the wilderness with no one to lean on and no easy way out. So I decide to stand tall and proud, I embrace who I am and what I’ve been through. Through this journey I have walked through hell and I am still intact, so I know that I must be strong and courageous.

Sometimes you have to stand alone just to know you can

I feel brave and determined as I accept who I am and what suffering with chronic illness has made me. It no longer matters that other’s paths are not for me, and it no longer matters that no one will rescue me. Some steps need to be taken alone, and sometimes you have to stand alone just to you know you can. I don’t need to be rescued anymore, I have rescued myself. I know myself and who I am. I have learned to be proud of what I’ve gone through and how chronic illness has changed me. I have learned that the loneliness I felt was not just because people didn’t understand me, but because there lacked a purpose to my suffering. Now my eyes are opened and I suddenly find myself no longer alone in the wilderness. I see others who are lost and I offer my hand in support. I know that they feel as alone as I did, and I don’t want them to suffer and wander. I now know that my suffering has not been pointless, it has taught me to be strong and brave.

What have you learned because of living with a chronic illness? Have you been able to find strength in your bravery?